Like I Have Time For This?

When we first discussed moving away from Colorado, I said to RegularDad: “You know… it’ll take about 5 years for us to really settle in anywhere new.”

That’s what it seems to take, at least for me, when I move to a new town in a new state, far far away from things and people that are comfy. Five years to find a house. Unpack. Find new friends. Then find more new friends because that first batch of new friends turns out to be people like the Crazy Crumb Lady. To find a doctor. A pediatrician. A dentist. To transfer all your medical records, car registrations, banking information and such to the proper new places. And then to Do That Again because it never works out right the first time, does it?

With each thing I’ve gotten squared away, I’ve kept thinking to myself: Okay. So, that’s done. NOW it feels like we’re finally done moving. But the weird thing is, I found myself saying that way too many times. So I guess all that time, I wasn’t really done moving. And since it’s only been 2 years since we moved here — almost to the day, actually — I guess I’ll be saying that for about 3 more years.

So, why am I telling you this?

Because just this weekend, one Enormous Chunk of Getting Settled In Here finally fell into place. Sunday afternoon, I climbed into the car all by myself and drove to a very nice lady’s house and sat down at her dining room table with a dozen or so local poets and spent 3 or 4 hours in a critique session.

It took me roughly two years, but I finally found my peeps.

And you know who I have to thank for it? The Crazy Crumb Lady. Of all people. That’s the story of my life, pretty much. People that drive me utterly batshit have this incredibly irritating habit of doing unexpectedly nice little things for me, things that turn out to be larger and nicer than ever even Intended. And I find myself indebted to them. Forever. Crazy Crumb Lady. My mother-in-law. The list goes on and on.

Last summer, out of the blue, Crazy Crumb Lady called me up and told me about some flyer she’d seen at a bookstore about some sort of poetry contest in the county.

“You should enter!” she said to me.
“Maybe I will,” I said. “Thanks.”

So, at the last minute, I entered this contest. It’s a county-wide poet laureate contest they hold every year. So I sent in 10 poems, and I kinda rushed it in at the last minute, because that’s how I do everything these days, and I didn’t even make a copy of what I sent in, and then I sort of forgot all about it. Until September, when they sent me a letter that said I’d placed 7th out of 70 entries, and invited me to read one of my poems at a reception in November.

Pretty cool, yes?

So, I went to the reception in November and stood up in front of all these people and introduced myself a bit, saying I’d moved here from Colorado and was hoping to connect with poets here, and then I read a poem. And after the whole thing was over, scores of people approached me and handed me email addresses and telephone numbers and copies of their manuscripts and one of the people there even knew one of my old Colorado poet buddies. They’d done their MFA together, years and years ago. Small world, huh?

So, I left that reception with a big smile and a whole lotta contacts, but then the holidays hit, and I couldn’t seem to find any spare time to sit down and email anyone, let alone get on the phone. But someone had put me on a mailing list, and I got word about a workshop happening in January, and I sent in a request to attend, but shyly, because the truth is, I’m really terribly shy. The unfortunate thing about my type of shyness is that it tends to make me talk incessantly like a fool while I’m at events like poetry receptions, especially when I’m nervous. I sound, in fact, quite a bit like the way this whole freekin’ blog reads, which gives you a good idea of why I tend to cringe when I re-evaluate things later on when I’m lying in bed not-sleeping.

But, anyway.

I wish I could describe to you what it feels like to finally be connected to people who don’t think you’re strange for sitting in front of a computer monitor and counting off iambic pentameter on your fingertips, how different the sky looked as I drove back home to cook dinner and get everyone squared away for the upcoming week, the utter completeness of my life at that moment, the total serenity. It’s been way too long since I’ve had that kind of day. And I never even realized how much I missed it until Sunday afternoon, when I sat with a bunch of poets and did what poets do best. I’d swear the click was an audible one. One more piece falling into place.

And NOW it feels like we’re done moving. Seriously. NOW it does. So, thanks Crazy Crumb Lady. I guess you ROCK. In your own little crazy way. I’m still never gonna clean up my crumbs for you, and don’t think I haven’t noticed how you refuse to eat or drink anything I have in this house anymore, that I haven’t noticed your not-too-subtle runs to Starbucks as soon as I put on the kettle, because I have noticed. That’s why I stopped inviting you over. No fool me. 

But… you rock anyway.

Ami tagged me and everyone else she knows online for this fun little questionnaire, and seeing as how I find myself in sudden need of some holiday cheer after the fiasco of last week’s car crash, I figured I’d give it a whirl. Here goes: What you all are DYING to know about our RegularChristmas.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
I always use wrapping paper at Christmas. And I was raised to be a complete CONTROL FREAK about how I wrap gifts. Essentially, the wrapping itself: the precision, the time, the INVISIBLE TAPE, the special curl to each and every ribbon, it’s all part of the gift from me. So, last year, when my mother-in-law took it upon herself to wrap all my gifts because it just wasn’t done in a timely enough fashion to suit her taste, it just about KILLED me. Which, now that I think about it, might actually BE A GOAL OF HERS. Hmmm…. Note to self: Wrap mother-in-law’s gift with wrapping paper laced with itching powder. With extra beautifully curled ribbons.

2. Real tree or Artificial?
Real. Years ago, I decided that it was wrong to cut down trees every year just because we decided it was festive. I went out to Target and bought an artificial tree, and spent a good hour wrestling with it. What a freekin’ nightmare. After all the pieces were connected, I had to individually separate and tweek each bough to make it look somewhat like a tree. RegularDad was horrified that I’d gone ARTIFICIAL on him and watched with enormous amusement while I struggled with that fake tree for quite some time before taking pity on me and helping. What I learned from that experience is that if I use a fake tree, it doesn’t bring in that fresh pine scent that says HEY DUDES! IT’S CHRISTMAS! EXCELLENT! I learned that having to shape each individual fake bough SUCKS because it takes forever and scratches the hell out of your hands. And most important, I learned that getting a real tree means that RegularDad is in charge of assembling the tree. Also, it’s a lot more fun to take the kids out someplace to pick out a tree than it is to drag them up to a dusty attic and make them stand miserably in a cobwebby corner while you drag a large box of fake tree to the stairwell and shove it down the stairs, cursing and moaning about your sore back the whole time. So… what was the question? Oh, right. We get a real tree.

3. When do you put up the tree?
We don’t have a set time. We definitely don’t do the Thanksgiving thing. That’s just too early for me. It takes every ounce of me to get a turkey and all the trimmings on the table on that day. If someone were to add Decorating A Live Tree to my schedule on that day, my head would probably explode. This year, we put up our tree on the first weekend in December because that was the only day RegularDad could do it. He’s got a hectic work schedule right now. It’s nice to have it up so early, though. I may do that again.

4. When do you take the tree down?
The past two years, we had to take our tree down the day after Christmas because we were moving to a new house within a week after the New Year. So Christmas was rushed. The minute the gifts were opened, I was already secretly putting ornaments away. By the 27th, I was all: Okay! Let’s pack it up, people!!! Let’s get this train ROLLING! And the kids would be all: But Mom! I haven’t even gotten to play with that yet! And I was all: Don’t care! We’re moving! Put it in the BOX!!!! So, this year, since we’re finally NOT MOVING right after Christmas, I’m looking forward to not rushing the end of the season. I may leave the tree up till Memorial Day, for all I care. Because I CAN.

5. Do you like eggnog?
BLEAH! What FOOL invented that little nightmare of a recipe???? RegularDad loves it, though. So, I try to remember to pick up a quart of it. And then I try to remember to not kiss him after he’s had some. BLEAH!!!!!!

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
There were a few Christmases I remember as a kid, where I’d been Just Dying for something and it came! Baby Alive was one memorable gift. I jumped for joy when I opened the box and saw her there in all her diapered glory. Within a week, though, I was exhausted and horrified by that toy. The WORK! The MESS! What had I been thinking?!? The commercial made it sound so IDYLLIC and life-like, but really, it was just GROSS. Now, with my awesome powers of RETROSPECT, I firmly  believe that if they could tweek that toy to include a lot of endless colic and somehow work in an upgrade that would include projectile vomiting — the kind that always finds its way down your shirt — they’d go a long way to solving our nation’s teen pregnancy problem. It’s just a thought.

7. Hardest person to buy for?
My step-mother-in-law. Really. What gift says: Hey, glad you survived that transplant surgery! Congrats on the new heart and lungs! We really weren’t sure you’d make it. New skis? I’d buy her a book, but I’ve done that for the past three years, and I don’t think she reads them. She doesn’t own any books, and the only magazines I see at her place are the National Enquirer and Star. Seriously.

8. Easiest person to buy for?
My nieces and nephews. They’re so little, still, that anything you get them, even if they already have two of whatever it is, is still cool.

9. Do you have a nativity scene?
Yes. I bought it a couple years ago, for 50% off. It’s porcelain, so I spent a lot of time in our Very Rushed Christmases telling the girls to stop making the angel fly around. It’s one of my favorite things to put out at Christmas, especially because this year I decided I don’t care if one of the figures breaks. That’s why God invented glue.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
I used to buy Christmas cards and then never get around to sending them, and then feel guilty for not sending them. They’d always be the first thing I’d see when I opened all the boxes of Christmas stuff the next year. So I’d start the seaons with CHRISTMAS CARD GUILT. Then I got over it, especially considering the price of stamps these days. I don’t even do Christmas e-cards. And I’ve let go of the guilt. The way I see it, I moved 2,000 miles across the country just so that the family could SEE us at Christmas. Do they really need a card, too?

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
Nothing major comes to mind, so I guess I’ve been pretty lucky. I do remember one year, when the kids were babies still, it seemed like everyone on RegularDad’s side of the family got me really ugly sweatpants for Christmas. It was really depressing.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
The Year Without A Santa Claus. I’ve always loved the Heat Miser.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Whenever I think to. I don’t shop on Black Friday. Early in December, if I’m out and about and I see something that I know someone would like, I grab it. Mid-month I do a big toy run, and a big book run. And then I rush around all hectic for those little things that I always forget until the last minute.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
We have one that we’ve been trying to recycle for about 7 years now, and I still have it somewhere. It’s a copy of “Scene It”, given to us by RegularDad’s brother and his (soon to be ex) wife. We never played it, never opened it. My 8-year-old was a baby that year, and I guess they thought we’d have a lot of time to play the game, seeing as how we were house-bound with a baby. They thing they didn’t understand at the time (oh, but NOW they do) is that being house-bound with a new baby doesn’t mean you’ve got hours of free time to spend playing “Scene It”. Anyway. I re-wrapped that thing and took it along to a dinner party a couple of years ago, because I wasn’t sure if I needed to bring a gift. I didn’t, it turned out, so I’ve been dragging this re-wrapped box of an old out-of-date version of “Scene It” all over the country for years now, and I still haven’t managed to get rid of it. Oh wait… NOW I know what to give my step-mother-in-law!

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Shrimp. And prime rib. And my famous Christmas cookies. And mints. And oranges too. Winter oranges are just the best. And popcorn. And those solid dark chocolate oranges that you have to crack open on a table. And sparkling ciders. And cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning. With really great coffees. Ahhh… life is good.

16. What decorations are on your tree?
Colored lights, red wooden beads, small wooden or cloth country-looking ornaments. The occasional plastic odd-ball thing-a-ma-jig.

17. Favorite Christmas song?
O Holy Night.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay at home?
Stay home. If people want to see us at Christmas, they can come here. That’s why I moved 2,000 miles east. And, do they come here? Of course not.

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?
Not off the top of my head, no. But my 8-year-old’s got them listed on her bedroom door. I’m not sure why. But it’s there if I need it.

20. Angel on top of tree or star?
Star. I used to have white tree lights and a cute little country-looking angel at the top of my tree. Then I had kids.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?
We’ll open a few on Christmas Eve, but the bulk of it will happen on Christmas morning. I have little kids, remember.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
When people drive into your car with their car when you’re sitting at a stop sign and then say things like: Wow! You came out of nowhere! I also hate going into Toys R Us. Every year, I think to myself that I won’t have to do it. That I’ll find everything I need at Target. Or that I’ll get my act together and order everything online early enough. But then, inevitably, I find myself in a Toys R Us late on a Tuesday night, pushing a squeaky blue cart, wandering around wishing I knew what I was looking for.

23 What theme or color are you using when you decorate?
Techno-Color Lights and Stars. With fragile porcelain figurines that children can’t stop touching. It’s all the rage on HGTV this year.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?
Seafood buffet on Christmas Eve. Prime Rib on Christmas Day.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?
Lots of cash to spend on books. And to get at least 5 hours of sleep. And to have my mother-in-law CHILL OUT for once. A quiet evening with RegularDad under the tree lights. To just have a nice Christmas.

And a new kitchen.

What? Did you think I was gonna leave it at that schmaltzy isn’t-she-so-sweet-never-asking-for-things-for-herself-Hallmark-moment ending? Uh, no.

Will I get a new kitchen? Not this year. But everything else on my list, I’m pretty much guaranteed, so I’m content with that.

As for tagging people for this, I dunno. It’s a longish one. Are you up for a long questionnaire? Go for it. I did it to find my Christmas cheer. And it worked for me. So, if you’re feeling particularly BAH-HUMBUG-ish, then I say give it a whirl.

And thanks, Ami. This was fun.

Not too long ago, I told you a little bit about my step-mother-in-law, and how she’s been waiting for a double-lung and heart transplant for almost a year now, and how we were so afraid that a match would never be found, and that she’d die this year, of lung failure caused by breathing beryllium dust in the factory job she held for over 20 years.

Well, late last night, a perfect match came down the pike. And they said she’s well enough to go for the surgery. So, they ambulanced her down to the University of Pennsylvania’s City Hospital, and she’s in the O.R. as I type this.

If she survives the surgery, she’ll have a long road of recovery work ahead of her before she’ll actually be released from the hospital. But I guess I’m gonna go ahead and do a little hoping. Because honestly? I didn’t think she’d get this far.

She’s 51 years old. And sweet and harmless, if not a bit odd. And yes, she can drive me utterly batshit on occasion, with her inability to understand sarcasm, and her incessant need to give me the gritty details regarding her menopausal situation, and other such tiresome personality traits.

But that doesn’t mean we don’t love her. Because we do.

And she’s good to my children. Which means I love her silly.

Keep your fingers crossed, everyone. And if you’re a prayin’ kind of person, by all means, I encourage you to do your thing, whatever it is. We need all the good karma we can get.

EDITED TO ADD:

As of 5:30 pm, eastern whatever-the-hell-it-is-now time, she has survived the surgery, and is in the ICU. She probably won’t wake up for a day or so.

Thanks for all the well wishes and all that fabulous karma.

Updates to follow soon.

I don’t know about all you, but me personally? I’ll be SO GLAD when this is all over.

Please don’t let my previous post give you the impression that I don’t think it matters who you vote for in this election. Or any election. Believe me. It matters.

I mentioned previously that I was a Hillary supporter. I’m still a Hillary supporter. I still believe she was the best candidate for the job. Even with all the baggage she would have brought to it. But I will also say that I never expected to go to the polls to cast a vote for Obama and be overjoyed to do it.

But that was before McCain picked his running mate. You know her name. You’ve hopefully seen her fumble her way through any number of interviews. But just in case you’ve already decided to head for the hills or hunker down in your bunker because at this point, what’s the point, and you haven’t gotten the chance to actually hear this woman answer a question, here’s a choice sample for your viewing pleasure.

She sort of reminds me of this little lady, from about a year ago. You remember her, don’t you? The one who wants the world to Get Themselves Some Maps?

I blogged about this little lady before, if you’ll recall. And I’d like to point out to you all that at this point in time, Miss South Carolina is probably watching Governor Palin’s interviews, and she is probably Nodding Her Head In Perfect Understanding at everything that Palin is saying (not that any of us can figure it out) and dreaming of the day when she runs for PRESIDENT. After all, if Palin can do it, why not her? Palin only came in second in the state beauty contest, after all. Palin never made it to the final questions of the Miss USA Pageant like she did! And this is America, dammit!

The Internet at large has already made the hilarious connection between these two women, so I won’t go any further. Just do a quick search on YouTube if you want to see more.

I’ll close by saying that this campaign season has brought surprise after surprise after surprise for me. Not only did I never imagine casting a grateful vote for Obama, but I also never imagined there would come a day when I’d listen to something Matt Damon said and vehemently agree with him. But, here. Listen to this, and ask yourself if you don’t agree.

November will be here before you know it. Let’s stand up and show the world we’re not a bunch of FREEKIN’ MORONS, by not electing one to the vice presidency.

The vice presidential candidates will debate each other tonight at 9:00 p.m., eastern time. I’d highly recommend tuning in, if not for the informational value, then at least for the HILARITY FACTOR. There’s nothing more entertaining at this point than watching Sarah Palin try to speak in complete sentences that actually mean something.

_________________________________________

Edited to Add:   Hmmm…. Miss South Carolina, the Governor of Alaska, and Matt Damon…three people that I never would have expected to write about in a blog post (or anywhere, really) and have it reach some sort of cohesion.

This is long, but it’s worth watching.

Jonathan Haidt: On The Moral Mind.

It’s not very often I find something like this, that describes so well why I hate talking politics with people. Because to have good honest political discussion is impossible if people cannot grasp what this guy is talking about.

And because, so often, so sadly often, I hear both sides screaming the same exact things about each other. And they’re both right.

I love election years. Not because we’ll finally get a decent president (ya, like THAT will ever happen), but because things like this and this get made.

I majored in Political Science and History and college. I learned just enough to become jaded to the whole electoral process in general. The way elections happen nowadays, and then the way congress operates, it’s amazing we’re still here at all, if you ask me.

I supported Hillary for president. I voted for her in the primary. I didn’t automatically decide to love Obama the minute he clinched the race. In fact, I’m still irritated as all hell that he decided to run this time in the first place. He’s young. He could have spent more time gaining valuable experience as a senator and a statesman before jumping out for the big spot. And this country certainly wasn’t ready to decide between a black man and a woman for the presidency. I mean, seriously. I liked Hillary for the job because she has a hell of a lot more experience than Barrack does. People hate her, sure. But this ain’t no popularity contest. It’s a country falling all to shit. I don’t think Barack has any idea of what’s in store for him if/when he wins this thing. Hillary did. She got it. She’s been there.

But, after saying all that, in the end I’ll probably cast a vote for Barack anyway. Because McCain makes me nervous, and ANYTHING’S better than what we’ve got now.

But at least we get to laugh our asses off at things like what they’re up to over at the Onion while we watch the whole thing go down in flames play out on TV.

Many thanks to Katherine over at Our Report Card, for reminding me that the Onion is out there, and that they get it.