So – Chinese food it was.

Good deal.

Have you noticed that Chinese places aren’t giving out the right number of fortune cookies anymore? Like, they always seem to give you one LESS than the total number of people you’ll be feeding in front of the TV later on? What’s THAT all about?

Anyway.

Tonight, with a mere three fortune cookies on the table, we gave one to each child, and then RegularDad gave me the third and final cookie. (Because he’s sweet like that.)

“I’ll split it with you,” I told him.

“Okay. I’ll take the cookie half. You take the fortune half.”

“Deal.”

And here’s what my fortune said. Word for word:

Silence is a virtual. Especially
Dinner time, from telemarketers.

So, there you have it. Wise words from some automated fortune cookie writing software that’s apparently come down with something. Not that I didn’t get anything out of it, mind you. From now on, when the kids start acting up, I’ll be able to say to them: Now, now, girls. Don’t forget. Silence is a VIRTUAL.

Eh, maybe I should have held out for the cookie half.

fucking picturee of a damn cardinal

And I just gotta say: Dude. That is some seriously angry Googling.

I’m trying to imagine what it would take to make a person type that into Google just like that. What was it? Some sort of group science project? Some sort of group presentation on the cardinal, and this kid’s job was to Get The Pictures? And he never did it? And his classmates were all like: Dude… did you get the pictures of the cardinal yet? We totally NEED those pictures. This report is gonna suck ass if you don’t get online and get the goddam pictures already!

Did it go on like that for days upon days upon days until the kid finally screamed ALL RIGHT ALREADY! I SAID I’D GET THE PICTURES AND I’LL GET THE DAMN PICTURES!!!!! And then he sat down at his computer and typed in “fucking picturee of a damn cardinal”? (That extra “e” on picture just shows how hard he must have punched the keyboard. That dude was pissed.)

Or was it that just searching for the word cardinal didn’t bring up any good looking birds? Or are cardinals just irritating in general? Did a cardinal flitter by this dude’s window and… well… flip him the bird (I know, I’m sorry) or maybe a cardinal crapped on his windshield, or his head, or WHAT?

Here, look at this picture, and tell me:

how does it make you feel? Are you experiencing any feelings of rage or anxiety? No? Are you sure? Because, just look at that son-of-a-bitch. He is totally getting ready to piss you off. That bird is Out To Get You. Just keep your hat on and back away nice and slow.

Fucking cardinals. Always sitting in trees…twittering… and looking so …red.

I’m so mad right now, I could just Google.

Merry Christmas to all of you. Hope you got something good.

Hope your kids got it together to give you something wonderful today.

Once you go RegularMom, you’ll never go back.

And then you came here. And watched this video.

And now you’re worrying again. You are. I know you are. Don’t even try to tell me you’re not worrying right now.

You don’t need to thank me. It’s all part of the friendly service we provide.

The audition process was arduous and stressful, believe me. But they just called and said he’s in. They’ll be taking it on the road just as soon as Fozzie brings back the tour bus.

Here the rules of the meme: (1) Link to the person that tagged you. (2) Post the rules on your blog. (3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. (4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs. (5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

1. I got maybe four hours total of sleep last night, so I’m a bit punchy right now, which makes it hard to think of another five quirks about me. This is scaring me a bit, because normally I could rattle off at least two dozen quirks about myself in less than ten minutes.

2. I used to bite my nails when I was little. It was so bad that my fingernails were almost completely nonexistent. I stopped by using that nailpolish that tastes terrible. It really works. But now, I bite my cuticles. Till they bleed.  I have to wear bandaids to stop myself sometimes. In stressful weeks, I’ll have at least 4 or 5 bandaids wrapped around my fingers. Back before I had kids, when I still worked full time as a graphic artist, one of the guys I worked with nicknamed me Less Nessman because I always had at least one bandaid on at all times. (Right now, by the way, I’m wearing two bandaids.)

3. I saw a sign in a church lobby today that said: “Elizabeth’s Goodbye Luncheon” and thought it sounded like a good title for a poem.

4. I’m almost completely hooked on the TV show, House.

5. Tonight, I overcooked the pork chops by mistake, and I didn’t get all stressed out about it at all. I just shrugged and said “sorry about that” and expected everyone to eat it anyway. And they did. Except my 4-year-old. But she ate most of her broccoli and didn’t whine the whole time, so for her, that’s good.

6. Right now, everyone’s asleep except me.

__________________

Well, that’s six things. I’m too tired to tag people. In fact, I sat here way too long just trying to get to six, I’m that tired. So I’m gonna use my blanket “everybody but Doc” tag, and go see if I can find a House rerun before I fall into bed.

‘Night, all.

Tell everyone that you love Doc. Get yourself one of these:

Get it from here. Get it while it lasts.

Tell the world that you love Doc. In a completely innocent I-swear-to-God-and-all-the-saints-that-I’m-really-REALLY-REALLY-not-stalking-Doc kind of way.

Really.