Well, the girls have cavities. We’ll be returning to the dentist on Monday to begin the process of getting them filled/crowned/fixed/etc. We’re looking at maybe $2,000 worth of work to be done.
I am A TOTAL WRECK.
First of all, I hate the dentist. I am terrified of all dentists. While the girls were giggling with this TERRIFIC dentist I totally LUCKED into, I was the one clutching my 4-year-old’s stuffed elephant in a death grip. I kept this hidden under my arms so no one could see, but I was totally gripping that elephant.
Second of all, I’ve neglected the whole going to the dentist thing since we moved. It’s been over 2 years since we’ve been to a dentist, so I have no one to blame for the kids’ teeth but me. I spent two hours in the dentist’s office today telling myself that the women behind the counter Were Not Whispering About Me. That all those sidelong glances had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AND MY KIDS’ CAVITIES.
Right?
So, after all that hell, of finding a dentist, scheduling appointments, getting to the dentist on time with a 4-year-old and a 7-year-old, getting the bad news, feeling like a total failure, trying not to let the paranoia show, I get home and call RegularDad, and I’m practically crying because the kids have cavities, and it’s just a bad scene, and he’s all: “Wait…HOW much did you say this is gonna cost?” And I was all: “WHO CARES ABOUT THE MONEY?” And he was all: “Lemmee call our dental insurance and get back to you.” So, then he calls back and says that the dentist I picked isn’t in our plan, and he asks me to find a new dentist.
And I just refused.
After all that, I just couldn’t handle starting over again. I told him if he felt that strongly about it he would have to be the one to find the dentist, make the appointments, take the kids there, and that he’d better have all that done by Monday because that’s when their next appointments were scheduled for, made by the brilliant dentist who was like personal friends with Dr. Spock or something, and has written numerous books and articles on pediatric dentristry, and who was so concerned about taking care of my kids’ teeth that he was cancelling his personal day to do the work.
And then RegularDad said he’d call the insurance people back and hung up. And then I went into the bathroom and had myself a really good cry. And then I read a story to my 4-year-old. Then I called the dentist’s office and talked to the ladies there and they assured me that they’d work with me on paying this bill. That no one expected me to walk in there next week with the full amount of money. And then I went online and found out that it doesn’t matter if the dentist is in plan or out of plan, our insurance will pay the same amount no matter who we pick. So I printed all these charts out and called RegularDad and told him that and he was all: “Oh, okay, that’s cool. We’ll stick with this dentist. And hey, no one thinks you’re a bad mom, you know.”
So, I guess it’s all worked out, but I’m a STILL A TOTAL WRECK.
And, I’ve picked up a cold from my 4-year-old.
I thought I was doing okay with the kids and their food, but in the end it doesn’t matter. No matter how many healthy organic meals I feed them, there will always be a relative nearby who will feed them candy and ice cream, soda and McDonald’s. And it’s those relatives that are the kids’ favorites, of course. Not me with my carrot sticks and roasted cauliflower, and admonishments to wash their hands, flush the toilet, pick up the toys in the living room, keep their shoes on.
No matter how clean I keep my house, there will always be that one chair in the dining room that still has crumbs on it, and someone will invariably notice the crumbs before they notice that I cleaned the bathroom because I knew they were coming, or that I bought a box of Splenda because I knew that they preferred it.
No matter how on top of the kids and the house and the yard and the schooling and the healthy food and the budget and the activities and the politics of family and friends I manage to stay, there will always be at least one place where I’ve dropped the ball — like their teeth — and that will be the thing that people talk about for years. Not that I succeeded in teaching them to read, not that I hand sew the rips and tears in their stuffed animals because repaired stuffed animals help them sleep. No, it’ll be these cavities that will come up in conversation at family gatherings for YEARS TO COME. And I will remain, as ever, a total failure as a mother.
And I’m just a little tired of it today, is all.
Good Blog. I will continue reading it in the future. Nice layout too.
Aaron Wakling
Oh man, I am so right there with you. There is just nothing about this work that ever ends, or is ever good enough. I cried ALL AFTERNOON one day recently. Cried and cried and cried, and when I told the kids what I was crying about (that I was a complete failure at everything I was attempting to do) they consoled me by telling me what a good job I was doing on their lunches, and snacks, and dinners, and laundry.
Great, kids. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Hang in. Have a glass of wine and a hot bath. Tomorrow will be better.
Lizabeth, thanks.
It’s so hard, isn’t it? People who don’t have kids have NO IDEA. I yelled and grumped at the girls this afternoon because they wouldn’t pick up their toys. Then I went back upstairs to my office and gave the door a nice little half-slam. Then they cleared the table and came upstairs to tell me that they’d cleared the table — “and in a GOOD way, Mom…not just dumping it on the floor.” I thanked them, and apologized for yelling at them. “Mom doesn’t feel well,” I said.
That’s the understatement of the year.
But truthfully, I don’t feel all that well. I’m developing a nice little fever now. RegularDad called a few minutes ago. He’s on his way home. He’s stopping to pick up some Chinese food, and some soup and juices for me, too. Time to crawl in bed with a book or two.
Oh gosh, that is an awful day. For me any day with the word dentist and insurance in the same sentence qualifies for awful though. I am so like you with the dentist and I don’t have a move as an excuse to have not taken my kids to get checked in the last two years. It is just my dental phobia.
I was just going to blog today about my relatives with the junk food. Biweekly donuts from my MIL here, (not to mention pop, gum, candy… sigh.) My kids literally call one grandma the chocolate grandma and the other the one with potato chips! That is bad.
Take care, have a good cry, scream, whatever, and after the cavities are filled it will feel better. You are a good mom, there is always something that makes us all doubt ourselves. And there are always people who will talk about others to make themselves feel better about their own insecurities.
Thanks, Mommylion. Yep, I know what you’re saying…we’ve got a chocolate grandma too. And Grandpa’s the guy who buys them Jeeps for their birthdays. (sigh)
My son’s dentist assures me that dental problems are 95% bad genes. I’m typing this really hoping you have spectacular teeth and your husband’s teeth are shit. If not, my son’s dentist is a dumbass who only says thta to make me feel beeter because my son has had $2000 worth of work done and was adopted. And you know, he ants me to feel good about spendong all that money with him. But if you have great teeth, he’s a genius. Take your pick.
I’m the daughter of an orthodontist and I worked chairside for years and I LOATH the dentist. I totally and irresponsibly don’t take my kids in for regular checkups. I avoid the whole thing. Can I be arrested for withholding medical care? God, I hope not. I do love my children. I want them to have healthy mouths. I just hate going to that place…. It makes me want to cry I hate it so much.
So, I understand where you are coming from. And I am jealous that you’ve found such a good doctor. Think how good it will feel to have all done. Think what a good fine responsible mother you are. Think how clean their little mouths are about to be. All good good good, you are doing a wonderful job!
I hope I didn’t offend you too badly about the birth thing. I have total respect for you as a woman and a mother.
And mostly, I hope you feel better soon. love, katherine
katherine, thanks. And nope, you didn’t offend me at all. I do understand what you were saying and where you were coming from, and I do agree with you. I think that women need to at least try, ya know? I never at once thought what you were saying over at the DJ was any kind of weird personal attack. You were just blowing off steam. I knew that right off. And you can do that over at the DJ, and that’s why the DJ ROCKS!
I have total respect for you too, as a woman and a mother and a thinker. Not to mention the daughter of an orthodontist (shudder).
Now, here’s the good news, and here’s why RegularSis ROCKS! She read this post last night and called me immediately and we talked for a long time even though she was tired and stressed, and she mentioned the word FLOURIDE at one point, and this giant light bulb went off in my head.
Because while we lived in the little farmhouse, our well water wasn’t flouridated, and neither was the bottled water we bought to drink. So, at least there’s a somewhat reasonable explanation for why their teeth took a dive this past year. Yeah, I blew off the dentist for a while. But I used to live in a place where the water made it easier to do that. Then I moved to rural PA.
I’m gonna call our public water department this morning and ask if the coming in to our new house here is flouridated or not. If not, RegularSis told me about these awesome vitamins to get for the kids that have flouride in ‘em.
So, I’m feeling better about the dentist thing. But this head cold is kicking my ass today.
I’m calling in sick today.
I think we need the good cry once in a while. I know I do! After all we are mothers. I am working on being OK with the crumbs on the chair. What sweet girl you have! Maybe you should just call in tired!
My kids swish with ACT (bubble gum flavored) every night after “brushers.” Also, and I know this is serious WORK, but I did floss both kids every night until they were 6 and 7. The flossing really helps…
Roll your eyes here please, “really helps” what exactly? Hum…since I have no real idea if they have any problems going on in there. But it looks pretty good to me….
You know, cavities in your children aren’t an indicator of your skills or dedication as a mother. Let’s just dismiss that idea from our collective universe, shall we?
I know that YOU know all about my fear of the dentist and what a jerk we ran into with Lyssa about 12 years ago. I deliberately did not take her to a dentist for more than two years. I wanted her to have time to recover from the trauma.
From where I sit, you’re doing everything right.
Anyone who disagrees will have to kiss my butt.
I get my kids to take a dietary supplement called Bio-Dent. It has done wonders with decreasing the cavities I used to get, I think it helps the kids too. But to get my 11 year old to take it I crush the tablet and mix it with a bit of honey (the 9 year old just goes ahead and chews it up). Just thought you might like another preventative option. Of course, getting them to use dental floss helped too!
Aussie Kim
oh no! My first had cavs too, I felt like a big piece of poo. But you know what, it’s also genetics, AND they are baby teeth, you get another chance! It will be cool. Chin up, your not half bad as you feel, if that is much of a condolence…-K
Hey check this out from the nytimes. To me, it suggests that its not about sweets. Its about taking in so many calories that, in there somewhere, you are getting all the mineral requirements. At least, that’s my first thought:
“Overweight children have healthier teeth than normal weight kids, a new study shows.
The surprising finding, published this month in the journal Community Dentistry and Oral Epidemiology, comes from researchers at the Eastman Dental Center at the University of Rochester Medical Center. They analyzed data from nearly 18,000 children who participated in two separate major surveys that were part of the large and ongoing National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey.
Among youngsters ages 2 to 5, there were no differences in rates of tooth decay. However, among children ages 6 to 18, those who were overweight or at risk for becoming overweight had fewer cavities than kids of normal weight. A child was considered overweight if he or she was in the 95th percentile or higher, based on age and sex. Children in the 85th percentile or above were defined as at risk for becoming overweight.
The findings don’t mean being overweight protects teeth, but they do raise questions about the differences in foods eaten by overweight children compared to their normal weight peers. It also debunks the stereotype of the overweight child who binges on cavity-causing candy and sugary foods. One theory is that overweight children may actually be eating fewer cavity-causing sweets than normal weight kids and instead overeating fatty foods.
“We expected to find more oral disease in overweight children of all ages, given the similar causal factors that are generally associated with obesity and caries,” said Eastman Dental Center’s Dr. Dorota Kopycka-Kedzierawski, the lead author. “Our findings raise more questions than answers. Research to analyze both diet and lifestyle is needed to better understand the results.”
Thanks everyone.
And katherine, that IS interesting. I guess the trick is to find out which foods contain the right minerals. If we think we’re eating healthy, but our teeth are in bad shape, where is the gap? What foods provide the right minerals? Taking vitamins wouldn’t help. We take vitamins, and there’s no fluoride in them. And the water in this county is not fluoridated. Argh.
We went to the dentist for fillings yesterday, and it went well. My 7-year-old has one more visit to finish up the work on one side, but other than that, we’re all set. And the girls did very well, considering the drill and all. (sigh, shudder)
He gave us prescriptions for fluoride tablets for the kids to take, too.
I have nothing to add. Just that I’ve returned from the blogging hiatus and it’s good to be back. This post was SO real. I loved the comments you got, too…oh boy. I thought I was the only one in the world who HATES dentists. I had a cleaning today and I canceled it for the SECOND time. I actually don’t mind my dentist now. They are into turning around the “I hate the dentist” syndrome. They blame the old time dentists that we all had as kids who tortured us w/out remorse as we sat helplessly in chairs. I think there might be something to that. Our dentist TOTALLY gives you control w/out making you feel guilt.
I hate insurance company’s. This experience would’ve sent me straight to the liquor cabinet. Mom’s have to do so much, you know? And cope with guilt, too.
I wonder the same thing, Regularmom. And I don’t want to remove cavity guilt only to replace it with “not feeding them right” guilt. I just thought it was surprising and interesting. I think fluoride is considered a mineral? Is that right? It is naturally occurring in some places. In fact, that’s how they discovered it. By testing the water of some native tribes who never had cavities.
I wonder about acids as much as minerals. I know our water is slightly acidic at our house. And my Dad always said you have to be careful with lemons (and soda.) Lemons? Would that incriminate oranges? BAD MOTHER, feeding your kids oranges like that!
I’m just rambling and speculating in general….
It is not you and it is not the candy family. It’s the luck of the genetic draw. My oldest, now 8 has no cavities and sparkling little and big teeth. My youngest, now 4 just had his third cavity filled.
The funny thing is we didn’t start the whole organic, no sticky foods thing until we were preggers with the little one. So my oldest had almost four years of McDs and fruit snacks galore. Little guy had none and he’s the one with the cavities.
It’s genetics, plain and simple.
I’m coming to this late, but I just wanted to add my voice in saying that we all feel this insecure at times, and we all have crumbs (you should come over to my house sometime if you want to feel better about crumbs). I recently had a friend over who is allergic to dust and pet dander, and she practically broke out in hives in my house! I felt awful. It does seem like no one notices if it goes right, and all that we get feedback on is when it doesn’t. And cavities are genetic and have a lot to do with prenatal nutrition (not to introduce a new topic for guilt). My son has bad teeth, related to his time of malnutrition when he was eating gluten - the consequences may not be seen for years and then it’s just too late to feel guilty. You’re doing a great job, and it’s going to be OK.
Sara, that loud THUD you just heard was me collapsing into a dead faint at the phrase: “prenatal nutrition”. EGADS! That’s the ultimate guilt trip, isn’t it?
Sigh.
Someday, the people who live like a thousand years in the future will have HOPEFULLY figured out just exactly what it is that causes cativites. Is it genetics? Sugar? Lack of Fluoride? Something else completely? A combination thereof? And if a combination, what are the percentages? How does it all break down?
And those people in the future will look back and read blogs like this one and shake their heads sadly and think: “What a bunch of BARBARIC FOOLS! Everyone today knows that it’s lilac pollen that causes cavities.”
Or something like that.
Oh, I SO know what you mean. Baby Boy (who’s practically 6 feet tall now) spent the night with my mother a few weeks ago. When I went to pick him up, at 9 o’clock in the morning I found them both laying in bed eating ICE CREAM AND COOKIES. It was 9 AM.
So I don’t know what to tell you, except I hate the dentist too and I try to never ever ever have to go if I can help it, but with grandmas like my son has, heaven help us.