One of the biggest traps in homeschooling, if you ask me, is the constant pressure to Do Things With Other People. Just this morning, in my email, I finalized plans for friends to come over on Friday afternoon. As I was finishing that, the phone rang, and it was more friends asking about getting together for a day trip to a museum soon. Or, if not that, at least a play date. Or how about the zoo? What are you doing this weekend? Do you want to check out my co-op? It goes on and on.
And believe me, I’m not complaining at all. It’s good to have all these friends. It’s good to get together. But it’s also good to just not get together sometimes. And for me, being new and still sort of defensive and insecure about this whole homeschooling thing, I have to remind myself a lot to Not Always Be Getting Together With People. My previous post, in which you all were so kind as to reassure me that my friend was not exactly being friendly, is an excellent case in point. I could have said no when that woman called and asked if they could stop by. I should have said no, in fact. We were all tired. I’d spent the day sorting toys and catching up on laundry. I wasn’t in the mood for this woman at all to begin with. (Because honestly? That afternoon tea was only the tip of a very large iceberg. The woman’s got some ISSUES, is all I’m sayin’.)
But the thing is, I exist on the defensive most of the time. When people find out we homeschool and start in with the endless questions on socialization, I want to be armed and ready with a Packed Social Schedule. It’s ridiculous and exhausting, but it’s hard to stop myself. And I’m not the only one who does this. Most of the women I know here are much more busy than I am. They’re stretched thin, and ragged, and possibly on the edge of burnout. I can see it in their eyes. And listening to them, I’m learning to simply say No to the endless stream of activities available to us. But when someone who isn’t a homeschooler starts asking THOSE QUESTIONS, I’m always quick to tell them all the millions of things we do all the time, and then having told people that, I begin to think that I’d better ramp up the social schedule, just in case those people with absolutely no experience homeschooling whatsoever are RIGHT and my kids NEED to be surrounded by other people 24-7.
And the truth is, we need LESS people around. We need some space. We need at least one day a week where we don’t go anywhere or have people over. For us, that day is Wednesday. And I guard Wednesdays fiercely. But maybe, I’m thinking, we need more than just that one day.
Today, it was just the three of us. We did some schoolwork, and took a quick run to the local elementary school so I could cast my vote in the primary. Then, seeing that the weather was good, we decided it might be nice to grab some sandwiches from Subway and go on over to the local lake and just hang out and see what there was to see.
And this is what we saw*:
And the thing is, it was JUST US. We didn’t bring anyone else along. We didn’t have to synchronize our watches or sign up on a Yahoo message board or coordinate with half a dozen other people via email to have this day. We just got ourselves some lunch and went. And I didn’t have to talk to anyone. Or entertain anyone. Or encourage anyone. Or listen to anyone else’s bullshit. Or worry that my kids weren’t getting along with someone else’s kids. Or worry that the mom I was with had the better curriculum, or theory, or hairstyle, car, shoes, magazine subscriptions or WHATEVER. I just had to sit back, relax and take some pictures.
I think we need more days where it’s Just Us. I think that may be another way to take better care of me and my kids.
*WordPress has this new gallery feature. I’ve spent some time dinking around with it to see if it’s worth using. What do you think? Is it too much clicking? Or do you like this layout? Comments on this will be appreciated. 
Im with you on this! In fact down here Wednesday is the ONLY day we really get together with other homeschoolers! (And we don’t always go either) I was worried at first about the socialization side but we simply cannot find the time to get together with people all the time. Life keeps us busy apart from school work and family dropping by. There is no way I could run in and out every day. Its just not an option for me.
I see no reason what-so-ever, why you should have to socialize with people you don’t like. Kids make friends everywhere they go. They will form their own friendships that don’t always have to involve you and the mother being friends also.
I think its best to just “go with the flow”, do what you feel like on the day and just enjoy your kids and your homeschooling journey! Im learning this is the only way to go! Take Care!
I’ve come to believe that socializing with each other and with parents counts as socializing. It sure seems like it should count: sometimes it’s really challenging. I’ve also started to schedule all our out-of-the-house things for the same two days a week, so we actually get three (gasp!) days at home. Otherwise we’re just going crazy, and that seems sort of backwards.
I completely understand. I am a little bit on the other end of the spectrum. We don’t have any other homeschooling families that we have anything in common with. I am about to start my own homeschool support group. I want to be able to get together more with some more families.
I do try and limit our outside activities. Right now the kids play soccer and we also have art lessons every other week. I think that things can get too hectic. Don’t worry about saying no. Remember that you know what is best for your family.
I think having to hang out with other adults is the most difficult aspect of homeschooling for me. I force myself, a bit, for the sake of the children. But I already have friends, I’m not in the market. And that kind of cocktail party chit chat drives me batshit crazy. It bores me to the soles of my feet. It drains me. (Am I clear on this?) I look forward to the children being bigger and more able to socialise without me and a legion of attendant adults.
I have always held the opinion that a calm quiet life balanced on the knife blade of solitude vs isolation is the perfect antidote to our hectic insane culture. I purposefully keep our life very slow and quiet. Little House On The Prairie is a big inspiration to me. Look at their pace. Look at that amount of social contact. Look how happy and tight they seem, as a family. How SANE.
I used to say yes to everyone all the time (before I had kids.) I would end up a no-show half the time because my Yes-es were a lie. I really meant No, in my heart. Now I’ve learned that an honest no is way friendlier than a dishonest yes.
I’m really feeling this way right ow, but less with the homeschooling thing, and more with my “off” time. I love the homeschooling socializing, because it’s really time when DS goes off and plays and I get some downtime. Maybe it’s the only child thing and he so frequently wants me to amuse him. Or maybe it’s because this week in particular he is clinging like platic wrap. God, please go play by yourself.
But, when friends want to get together in the evening or weekends and I want to move to a monastery when no ones allowed to talk to me and there’s a lot of wine being served, I’m not feeling so agreeable.
Oh, I like the photos, but the were even more smashing on my reader, without the frame.
Thanks everyone. And katherine, I know what you mean. I think we can all learn a lot from the Little House books.
I love Lizabeth’s and Katherine’s responses. I find myself getting defensive when the MIL asks YET AGAIN if we’re putting out oldest in school, does she have friends, are you throwing a big birthday party, etc. But with time, I’m learning to have faith in my decisions and to hell with anyone who doesn’t “get it.” And the most wonderful moments with the kids don’t happen with 50 other people. They happen in situations of solitude — like at the lake! Hang in there! You’re not alone in wanting to be alone! =-)
Enjoying your blog!
Thanks Urban Mom.
I get worried like that a lot. I’m a total introvert, I don’t like constantly doing things and go places with a lot of people. But then I feel guilty that I’m not sending the kids to every play date, group, picnic offered so they can “socialize” more.
Thanks for saying this out loud. It needs to be said. As per all the great comments you’ve already had…we are a society who has boughten into the fact that we have to be “going” and “doing” all the time. My daughter has somewhat bought into this, but after a long week she collapses. What is her body (and mine!) telling us?!
We have the usual round of appointments in a given month (dentists (ACK!) doctors, OT, VT, groceries, etc…) but we are in the process of consolidating days to save sanity and gas money. We are working towards THREE free days at home. I have one child, so that’s easier…but boy…just quiet days by the lake sound so good don’t they? We need more of them. Great post. Really, really.
I think all moms can take your cue and pare down our schedules.
Great post and I enjoyed your take on homeschooling.
Blogversary, I agree. Just the other day at the kids’ karate lessons, RegularDad overheard another parent talking about her kid’s schedule, and it’s just crazy. Her kid had the same number of extra-curricular activities as ours, but hers would also be in school for more than 6 hours each day, and then go home and do homework, too.
I don’t know how they do it.
I’m with you all the way. I don’t socialize much, never did. I think just doing our day to day errands and such counts. Plus we play at the park. When my son is older I’m sure he will join a sport or take a group class. I don’t think it’s necessary to meet groups of people everyday, spending time with family is more important to me.
I commented at blognosh too-I agree totally with you! I need more than 1 day at home. I try to keep all of our outside classes to Tues and Thursdays. We run all day but then we are home the other 3; minus the errands, playdates and field trips that sneak their way in! I balk at that socialization question-my kids are so over socialized by people of all ages, races, shapes and sizes! We all need down time to reflect, relax, read, explore, and for self-discovery and boredom.
Disclaimer: I’m not a parent. I came across your post on Blog Nosh and found it really interesting. In response to your post and Katherine’s comment – from an outsider perspective I think the question is, can they socialize without you? I’m neutral about home schooling and do not know what I will choose once I’m in that position. What I worry about is my child’s independence in a social environment. Looking back I think I learned valuable lessons being on my own on the playground, in class, and the cafeteria without my parents by my side. I’d be interested in comments regarding this.
Jen, many thanks for reading, and for your comment. To answer your immediate question: yes, they can socialize without me, and they often do. Just because we homeschool doesn’t mean that they never attend activities without me. My older child is involved with Girl Scouts, and does all of those activities without me being there. She also attends a religious education program, and a library reading club — also without me. She seems to have no difficulties socializing with other children her age or her teachers in these environments. In fact, her teachers tell me that she is extraordinarily well-adjusted and well liked by others.
When my younger daughter reaches first grade, she’ll also attend similar functions. Without me. And I expect that she’ll do fine, although she may be a little wilder, because that’s just her personality.
If you’d like to read more in depth regarding the socialization of homeschooled children, there are numerous articles and books on this very subject. If you’d like a list of materials, please let me know, and I’ll either email it to you, or post it here.
Again, many thanks for reading.