It’s like when someone says to you, I’ve got good news and bad news. What do you want first? And unless you lived your entire childhood in a sealed plastic bubble with no cultural input whatsoever, you always say, Gimmee the bad news first.
We’ll start with the bad news, then. THE KITCHEN:
Somebody cue the theme from Psycho. Even the Brady Bunch had a nicer kitchen than this. Look at that tile backsplash. Just look at it. Here, have a closer look:
It’s an HGTV wet dream, is what it is.
I guess at this point I should confess that I now spend every free waking moment watching whatever happens to be on HGTV. I even put the channel on when the kids are around. What the hell, I figure. It’s G-rated. The two of them are getting all into it with me. They particularly love to watch House Hunters. Whenever that one’s on they snuggle in with me, and when it’s time for the buyers to Make Their Decision, the girls are all like: PICK THE SECOND ONE!! THE SECOND ONE!!! And then when the utter schleppos pick House #1 because it’s got a finished basement, the kids are all: Oh man! No Way!!! House #2 was so much closer to work! And what about the price? That’s way more than you wanted to spend! Oh well. Can we watch Dragon Tales now? And I’m all like: No way! Deserving Design is coming up next! Who wants popcorn?
But I digress.
So, the inspection went quite well. Except for the fact that the people that lived there were color-blind and sheltered enough not to realize that as the years passed more modern conveniences were invented to Make One’s Home More Efficient and Entertaining, the house is in remarkably good shape. It’s got good, sturdy bones, as they say. All we have to do is completely hollow it out and start over.
During the inspection, the owner’s daughter showed up just to check in and say hello. The actual owner has reached that point in life where she needs to move into a nursing home, and that’s why this house is for sale. The daughter is acting as power of attorney. The good news here is that no one actually up and died in the house recently. So I won’t need to call Ghost Busters. But the bad news is that this will be an EMOTIONAL SALE. This woman could not stop talking about how she grew up in that house. How wonderful it was. What a great neighborhood it was. How it had the BEST SCHOOLS EVER. I just nodded and smiled and kept moving into different rooms whenever she started to mist over.
It’s not that I wasn’t sympathetic. I was. Really I was. But I only had a few tissues left in my purse, and I needed them just in case my 4-year-old (who’s just about over that little cold, but not quite) started hacking up vast quantities of phlegm. I just couldn’t handle it when this woman would get all emotional about things like this kitchen that needs to be put out of its misery remodeled as quickly as possible.
“We even replaced the stove!” she moaned at one point, her eyes watering ominously.
“Oh,” I said. “REALLY?”
“Yes,” she breathed. “Isn’t it great?”
“Why…yes…,” I stammered. “It is.” And then I escaped into the dining area only to be ambushed by my realtor, who immediately asked: “Homeschooling, huh? Like…how does that work? Do you do…like…math…and stuff….?”
Here’s the stove, by the way. It’s not even digital, for God’s sake.
Now don’t get me wrong. I do love this house. It’s got a lot of great things about it. Like separate bedrooms for the kids. And three working toilets. All I am saying, is that the kitchen (including that fossil of an oven) is not exactly a Primary Selling Feature. I’ll post out more pictures of different rooms tomorrow. I’d do it now, but it’s almost time for Design on a Dime. And after that, Decorating Cents is coming on.
I am so into Decorating Cents right now.
In the end, it’ll be a great house. We’ll paint. Rip up carpets. Add some chair rails and crown moulding. And next summer, we’ll Deal With That Kitchen In The Proper Manner. I’ll let RegularDad buy some new power saws. He’ll love that. It’ll be fabulous.
And after we’re done remodeling, we’ll look back on these days and laugh gently as we reminisce about the owner’s daughter and how after she told me the beautiful-family-moment story of How They Replaced Their Oven in 1973, she wandered over to RegularDad and told him what a great place the neighborhood was. How some of her happiest childhood memories were of those lazy summer afternoons when she and her brothers would sneak off to the nearby park and light up a bowl and pass it around. Those were some good fucking times, my friends. Absolutely the best.
Man…I just so totally love you guys right now.
Really.
I love it already. I thought that backsplash was wallpaper at first and thought, “oh, an easy fix.” oops. I’ll be around next summer to see the final product. I’m an ex-HGTV addict now that we are sans cable. But I have a funny feeling we’ll hook it back up in no time.
Geez, just reading this is giving me the munchies!
Good luck with the house. We bought one just like it in 1993 and you wouldn’t recognize it now!
Well, the house does need some help. You’re right. But it’s BIG. This is a good thing.
We’re still in our starter home (eleven years last Friday, actually) and have no plans to go anywhere soon. We’re gradually making improvements here and there.
When the kids were small, my dream was to find an old school and buy it. A gym for them to run in, a big kitchen and enough rooms to have a craft room and a sewing room and a dressing room and a costume room and a pet room and lots of showers and….
LOL! I’m a little sad, myself. I was so hoping it’d have that centennial wallpaper that has popped up in some form in nearly every place I’ve ever lived. Our last house had a wallboard version of it. All over the kitchen. *shudder*
I fell into an HGTV trance the other night. The Husband was working and I got sucked into House Hunters, then the My First Place(?) show, then some flipping shows… He came home FOUR HOURS later and pried the remote from my hand and dumped some water on my head and I was able to regain my senses and walk to bed. Sucks you in, doesn’t it?
I’m excited for you!
Ami, that would be a great episode for “Re-Zoned” or whatever that show is. I saw one of those where someone converted an old post office into a house. Pretty cool.
Thanks, you guys, for all the good cheer. I’m looking forward to closing on this place and getting moved in and settled.
My GRANDPARENTS house was more modern than that. And they never changed anything. Oh boy are you going to have fun.
Glad it’s going so well! The remoleling wont be that bad.
Glad the inspection went well. Phew! And I do know one thing…. I’d trade you homes in a heart beat!
I love the cabinets, just change the hardware and they’d look great. The tile and appliances can be updated and maybe a new counter top in time…. But holy cow, it’s so big with so much potential. Love it!
Oh, and add my vote for House Hunters, lol. That has to be the BEST show on HGTV ever.
WOW, are you going to keep the kitchen cabinets? They seem to be a nice sturdy wood. Maybe you can change the hardware or color. I can not wait until we buy our first house. I only have about 1o more years. By then we will have 2 kids in college and one in middle school. So we are thinking maybe a shack on the beach, indoor plumbing optional…