Rebel over at the Looney Bin is running a contest in which we all relate our most messy moments, and when I read her post and Heather’s entry with the Vicko Vapo Rub, I remembered this little event from a few years back.
About a month after I quit my job and began my career as a crazy mother obsessed with giant frog heads stay-at-home-mom, we decided to put our little house on the market and buy something bigger. So we packed up a lot of our junk and cleaned the house, and I somehow managed to keep it clean on a day to day basis and also managed to get us all out of the house whenever there were showings. This was, for the most part, exhausting work. Add to this the stress of making the adjustment to life at home with baby and toddler, and it made for a stressful couple of months.
One afternoon, I put my baby down for a nap and my 3-year-old down for her rest time. She’d given up napping earlier in the year but still rested during the day. I left her door open and went down to the kitchen for some coffee and then the phone rang and I started chatting with a friend, and I was really feeling good about myself, you know? Both kids down for a nap, coffee brewing, a friend on the phone. Boy did I have my act together!
And when I heard my 3-year-old’s bedroom door snick softly shut, I didn’t give it a second thought. Probably doesn’t want to be distracted by my voice while she’s resting, I thought.
A half an hour later, I finished my chat with my friend and went upstairs to check on the girls. The baby was still sleeping, and when I listened in at my 3-year-old’s door, all was quiet. I opened the door very gently, expecting to see that she’d fallen asleep, and saw instead that she’d gotten hold of a large jar of Vaseline and had smeared the stuff all over everything.
And when I say everything, I do mean everything.
It was on the walls, the bed, the pillow, the sheets, the blankets, the carpet, the stuffed animals, the windows, the lampshade, the doorknob, the toys, the mirrored closet door, the clothes, the furniture, not to mention the 3-year-old herself.
She was still working on the mirrored closet door when I walked in on her, and the look on her face suggested that she knew exactly how I would feel about such an activity. She sensed somehow that this was just not quite what I meant when I said rest time. And just as I managed to utter a somewhat strangled “oh…oh no…no hon…uh…no no no…” the baby in the next room woke up and started to cry.
It took almost 2 hours to clean up the mess. I think the worst part was the closet door. It was a mirrored double-sliding door, and it took about a half hour just to do that. And just when I thought I was done, I slid the door to the side to close it, only to find that the mirrored door behind it was also covered in goo and I still had lots of cleaning up to do.
Or maybe the worst part wasn’t even the closet door at all. Maybe the worst part was discovering later on that the air conditioner we stored in her closet had also received a good slathering of goo. It took another whole hour with Q-tips dipped in rubbing alcohol to clean in between the metal slats.
It’s so hard to say, really, what the worst part of that little cleaning adventure really was. But on the brighter side of things, at least no one stopped by to see the house that day.
That was the day I truly embraced my new life as a SAHM. That was the day when it all came crashing in on me and I realized how my life had changed and what my future looked like. That was the day I learned to NEVER trust that quiet little snick of a toddler’s bedroom door closing. If you had asked me on that day if I would be willing to consider homeschooling, I would have run screaming from the house all the way back downtown to ask my old boss for my job back.
I stand before you today and assure you that if your toddler goes quietly into rest time with a gentle, complacent smile on her face, she’s got something up her sleeve or in her mouth or tucked in a sock, and whatever that something is, it’s definitely something she shouldn’t have. And yes, if you think it’s too quiet in there, then it IS too quiet in there, and you should definitely go check and see what’s going on in there.
I mean right now. Stop reading this and go check. Right now.
You’re not still reading this, are you?
Dude. Go check.
